Beth Demme Blog

This episode of Discovering Our Scars almost didn’t happen. Steph and I pride ourselves on honest conversations and we tend to look for topics that have the potential to create discomfort, but friends, this topic made me really uncomfortable. This week’s episode is titled, “Is Steph Asexual?

A few weeks ago, Steph and I released an episode titled “Love? Actually…” where we talked about what makes us feel loved and what “love” means to us. After that episode, a good friend of Steph’s asked her (in a very appropriate, sincere, and loving way) whether she might possibly be asexual. I knew that the “A” in LGBTQIA represented asexuality, but that was about all I knew. After a little research, we learned that asexuality refers to the absence (or near absence) of sexual attraction or desire for sexual activity. Knowing the definition left us wondering–does that describe Steph? Is she asexual?

As always, Steph wanted to be brave and have the conversation on the podcast. I, however, wasn’t sure that was a good idea. Despite all of the personal things Steph and I have each shared, it felt like this might be too personal. I fully affirm the personhood of anyone who is LGBTQIA; my problem was not with Steph or how she would answer the question. I was reluctant because I knew the conversation would require Steph to reveal things about her most intimate moments and I wanted to protect my friend from revealing too much.

I’m glad that Steph persevered and I’m grateful for the conversation we had. I won’t tell you what conclusion she came to, you’ll have to listen to the episode for that, but I will tell you that we ended up talking about sexuality, sexual trauma, labels, shame, and cultural views of virginity.

It’s not the conversation I expected, but it was exactly the conversation we needed.

Ratings and reviews are welcome, or you can leave a comment on the episode page at

Click here to read more about the episode and access the show notes.

Join our community at BuyMeACoffee for access to a downloadable PDF of this episode’s Questions for Reflection:

  1. Does it make you uncomfortable to talk about your sexuality? Why or why not?
  2. Do you feel the need to find labels for the people in your life? How does that impact your relationships?
  3. Has anyone ever asked if you identify with an LGBTQIA label? Have you ever asked anyone if they identify with one of those labels? Why?
  4. What is your experience with purity culture? How has it affected your views on sex and virginity?