Last Fall I was in Colorado, attending a conference by myself. The conference was at a beautiful resort in an idyllic mountain setting. My room had a big comfy chair and French doors I could open to enjoy the cool Fall breeze. It was an ideal place to be alone.

The night before I was scheduled to leave, the front desk clerk offered me a late check-out. “Um, okay, thanks,” I responded dully.

The truth was, I knew I would be down in the lobby well before check-out time. Even the nicest hotel room is no substitute for the presence of people. At least, not for an extrovert like me. Despite the rigorous 12-hour days required by the conference, I felt like I’d had plenty of time to myself. I didn’t want any more “me time.”

I was contemplating my experience this week as I prepared a lesson on the spiritual discipline of solitude. On that trip to Colorado, I had an amazing opportunity for solitude but I walked ran away from it. Why?

Solitude requires us to be quiet, calm and still to give our hearts and minds a chance to hear what God is communicating.

When I paused this week and tried solitude, the ugly truth surfaced:
I worried God wouldn’t show up and it would just be me and my thoughts.

I’m not good at being alone with my thoughts.

It’s not that I dislike my thoughts, I just don’t want to be alone with them. When we (my thoughts and I) are alone, they seem bigger, weirder and scarier.

I justify my neurotic behavior by telling myself a busy mind is a better, happier mind. I also tell myself I’m more productive if my to-do list is constantly in the forefront of my thoughts.

The truth is, I keep my mind busy because I’m afraid a quiet mind is a lonely mind, and a lonely mind is a sad mind.

How, then, can I find peace?

Henri Nouwen, a twentieth century Dutch priest, said:

Without solitude it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life. Solitude begins with a time and place for God, and Him alone. If we really believe not only that God exists but also that He is actively present in our lives – healing, teaching and guiding – we need to set aside a time and space to give Him our undivided attention.

(Making All Things New and Other Classics)

Nouwen is right. I have to make a time and place for God, and God alone.

Not God and my to-do list. Not God and a great audiobook. Not God and my favorite television show. God alone.

Jesus, who was God incarnate, recognized the need for solitude. Jesus was intentional about solitude in a time of grief (when he learned about the execution of John the Baptist (Matthew 14:9-13)), before making a big decision (before choosing the 12 apostles (Luke 6:12-13)), after working hard (after he fed the five thousand (Mark 6:30-32)), and before undertaking a difficult task (before he was arrested and crucified (Mark 14:32-35, 39)).

What if I follow the example of Jesus? What if I choose solitude when grief overwhelms me? What if I make time for God before making a big decision, after working hard, or before tackling a difficult task?

I think it’s time to admit that checking things off of my to-do list will never produce peace because my to-do list will never be done.

Even with the small doses of solitude I practiced this week, I can see a very bright light. Spending time with God doesn’t leave me feeling lonely, it leaves me feeling relieved.

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” Really the Psalmist is saying, “Hey Beth — be still and know that you are not God.”

What a relief. Despite my to-do list, everything does not depend on me.

It turns out solitude doesn’t make me feel insignificant; it connects me with the most significant.

Solitude doesn’t make me feel lonely, it cures loneliness by connecting me with God.

Are you good at being alone with your thoughts? Is solitude a spiritual discipline you practice regularly? Tell me about it in the Comments or send me an e-mail, I’d love to hear from you.